Love, depression and suicide!

Recently there have been a lot of suicides and murders which were attributed to failed love. It has set me thinking. What is "failed love"? I know, i know.... A lot of philosophers have pondered over it for all their lives, but still...............

St. Augustine once said,

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two"

Do i agree? Somewhat? Or maybe not :P ... Love is as critical for our mind and body as oxygen. Its not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will both be emotionally as well as physically. The less connected you are, you know.............

It is also true that love is probably the best antidepressant in your life because most common cause of depression is the feeling of being unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They are also very self focussed, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the "skills of love"

There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens! As a result, the depressed just sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But it doesn't work that way.... You have to get out of your own shell, talk to people.... FIND YOUR LOVE!!

Most of us get our ideas from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But this culture is one unrealistic thing created for entertainment, not as a reflection of life!! It's part of our natural vulnerability, like junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think its love when its simply infatuation!!??

One consequence is that when we hit the real love we get upset and disappointed because it doesnt meet our cultural ideal! And that leads to depression....

Also that infatuation rarely lasts longer than a few months, and when it gets over, we go so deep into depression, that we forget, what its like, the real stuff! And that depression leads us to think that we no longer fit into this world, and drives us to end it all!! Like St. Augustine's tree, infatuation subsides as rapidly as it came, leaving an aftermath of hopelessness and destruction in its path....

To avoid this depression, we must first learn to do things right! To recognise the truth, which is right in front of our eyes... To recognise the difference between love and infatuation; To learn what its like in the real world!!

Infatuation is that phase of mad attraction where all the hormones are flowing and the things feel so right. It feels good but it rarely lasts, on average, beyond 6 months. Although it can progress to love. Love starts as infatuation in many cases, but infatuation doesn't always evolve into love.

Love, on the other hand, isn't mad excitement; it is the feeling of having accepted someone else for the way they are, and still being able to be with them for infinite time. It is finding someone who you can share everything with, and still not feel embarassed. It isn't the powerful will to do everything together, it is the patience to do everything in harmony with other person...... When the passionate infatuation burns out, and you still decide to be together, it is true love...

Second step to avoid depression is to know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "the act of will". If you dont learn the skills, you will be guaranteed to be depressed, not because you are not connected enough but because you have many failure experiences...

According to a famous psychologist,

Learn good communication skills, FOCUS on the other person, HELP that someone else, DEVELOP the ability to accomodate simultaneous reality, the other person's reality is just as important as your own... And the last but not the least of all, ACTIVELY DISPUTE your internal feelings of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self esteem, every little relationship blip is interpreted as an evidence of inadequacy. Rejection does not come from the partner, it originates from within yourself. Quick to feel rejected by someone, you then begin to believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. STOP!!!!

As a conclusive note, i personally feel its cowardly to even think of suicide. It means not being able to face up to the distorted reality our own rejection has created within... The internal voice does command rejection, but we have to remember that it is not real! And learn to reject the rejection!!

REJECT THE REJECTION!! FOR YOUR OWN "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"

Good luck